Pain In My Heart

Two purple lines. Do you know how significant these two lines were to me? It was priceless! The joy that I’ve felt was indescribable when I saw these two purple horizontal lines. I was laughing and crying at the same time like a loose woman. I was thanking God profusely for making my home pregnancy test positive. How powerful these two lines were to me because it could either break or make me. You see, I’ve always had this fear that I’ll never be able to bear a child and this test proved me wrong. I’ve never been happier to be proven wrong. I’ve just tied the knot last April and now after just two months, I found out that I was pregnant. I felt like a complete woman. There was a life slowly growing inside of me and that was enough reason for me to be deliriously happy. I felt so blessed. That was June 13, 2007. I was too excited to be a mom that I didn’t mind experiencing the usual pregnancy symptoms. I’d feel nauseous almost all of the time. I did not have any specific cravings but I had aversions. I’ve always been a chocolate addict but during my pregnancy I can’t stand even just a tiny bite of it. We went to a doctor and she confirmed that I’m indeed expecting. There was a presence of the gestational sac at less than 5 weeks though the embryo still can’t be seen because it was still as small as an apple seed at that time. But in a mom’s heart, I knew that my baby was in there and really excited to see the world already. June 27 marked as the most frightening day of my life. After I’ve eaten my late lunch at around quarter to 5 pm, I went back to my work area and began working again. But then I felt kind of strange as if I’m about to have my period because of the sudden wetness and abdominal cramps that I’ve felt. I decided to go to the restroom and check on it and that’s when I saw blood! It wasn’t bloody red but somewhat brownish in color. But just the same I shouldn’t be bleeding and my baby has not even reached two months old yet. I panicked because I didn’t know what to do. My emotions had gone completely haywire all of a sudden. I recited a silent prayer, “Please Lord God don’t take our baby away.” I was shaking uncontrollably and though I was trying so hard to fight back tears it was useless. I was too scared and crying was my only way of showing it. Shortly right after that I was rushed to the hospital. They’ve checked on me right away but still can’t assure me that there’s nothing wrong with the baby because they needed a sonologist who would perform a trans-v ultrasound on me. Unfortunately, two hours have already lapsed but they still can’t contact their walk-in sonologist. We decided to just go home and wait until morning to go to another hospital since the bleeding had already stopped. After dinner, I started bleeding again. This time more blood was coming out from me. Fear gripped me and I was trembling so hard when I told my husband that we needed to go to a hospital again. We went to a different one this time but just like the other hospital, external tests would not suffice to guarantee the safety of the baby, we really needed a sonologist but unfortunately they only stay until 6 pm in the hospital and it was almost midnight already when we got there. I had no choice but to stay the night and wait until morning for the sonologist. They put me on dextrose and took my blood for tests. I wasn’t minding the pain brought about by the needles. The med tech who took my blood can’t seem to find the right vein. And even though I was bruised very badly, I was too numb to complain. I said to God, I will endure anything and everything if He’ll just save my baby. I was going through emotional hell that’s why sleep seems so elusive that night. My mind was full of horrible episodes, of things that could happen, of words that would prove that my baby was really in grave danger. Finally, about almost 4 am I was able to doze off. But my sleep was haunted by nightmares. In my dream, I was walking on hospital corridors when suddenly I heard a distant wailing of a child who has been born and the jubilant cry of proud parents. As I walked toward the room from where the noises were coming from, I heard a mother’s cry of anguish for losing her child. It was heart wrenching as if I was feeling exactly what she was feeling. There were no faces just voices. And the scenes just kept on playing over and over again until I woke up in cold sweat and quivering lips. Was that a premonition or just something that my subconscious mind fabricated? I didn’t know but I was terrified. At 10 am, the sonologist performed my second trans-v. My heart was beating so fast, it was impossible to breathe normally. Just a couple of weeks ago, this same device brought so much happiness to us when it confirmed that we really were going to be parents and now fate robbed us off of that happiness. I’ve got a subchorionic hematoma. In layman’s terms the gestational sac is bloody and has been traumatized which was causing me to bleed. We went home with fear in our hearts because we were not given anything that we could hold on to if our baby would be safe. We still needed to repeat the trans-v ultrasound after two weeks to be sure. But after just 6 days, I bled profusely. I was in total shock witnessing how the brownish blood turned into bloody red that night. Somehow I knew right then and there that we’ve lost our little angel already. We went to the hospital to confirm what we already knew. Our baby was gone. The doctors confirmed that too. I cried so hard and prayed to God. I told Him that His will be done but I’m not sure how am I ever going to accept my loss. Acceptance without understanding, it’s just the hardest thing to do. Still trusting even without knowing the reason why is really such a struggle for me. I hope that God will forgive me not for doubting Him but for doubting the steadiness of my faith. For doubting myself that I’ll be able to accept things that I cannot change, things that I can do nothing about, things that are beyond my control and things that I do not understand. People would come up to me and say “just accept everything that has happened.” And I want to ask them back, “HOW?” How do you tell yourself to be strong and accept things as they are? How do you say “It’s okay maybe it wasn’t meant to be” then move on thereafter? How do you say to yourself that I’m no longer going to be a mom when just a few weeks ago you were? How do you put the pieces of your heart back together again after it has been broken to a thousand shards? How do you build a dream and shatter it too? How do you keep on living when you are already dead? I want to know how. For the pain in my heart now is almost unbearable.

I Often Wonder

I often wonder how the stars above
Could allow me to fall for someone that I could never have
Somebody who’s already not free
And no longer capable of loving me

I often wonder how the sky could still smile
When my heart is breaking all the same while
When the pain is too much to bear
When life is cruel and so unfair

I often wonder how the flowers could still bloom
When my world is bleak and covered in gloom
When my senses are dulled and the colors gone
When I could neither face tomorrow nor could I run

I often wonder how the sun could still shine
When I have to accept the truth that you can never be mine
When my tears are dried up and I can no longer cry
When although I still love you, I have to say goodbye

I often wonder how all of these will end
Will my prayers be heard?
Or I’ll just have another broken heart to mend
I often wonder.